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I'm furious - am I over reacting?

I'm beyond furious, my daughter is allergic to nuts and at a playgroup christmas party where everyone was asked to bring in a plate to share but NO NUTS was specified multiple times someone decided that they were above the rules and brought in a peanut based food. My daughter took a bite and I ended up having to leave right away, not only miss seeing Santa that was meant to be coming that my daughter was devastated about missing, but ended up at the hospital. I'm furious that someone can have such a blatant disregard for the ONE rule that was in place. Out of the thousands of different foods to bring peanuts of all things seems absolutely ridiculous.
I grabbed my daughter and rushed out but I'm still fuming. would i be over reacting in confronting the woman that brought the peanut containing food and telling her she put my daughter's life at risk?

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Answers (27)

Thats why I don't let my anaphylactic child eat shared food. I take a plate for him to eat and thats it. Controlling your childs allergy is your responsibility.

OP I have never had an issue before. I don't want her to feel left out and the centre had specified that food had to be nut free multiple times. And I was tending to my other child in the split second it took her to grab a piece of this food, that was not the fruit I had served her on her plate.
helpful (0) 
 I'm the same, I don't let my anaphylactic child eat food others make. If they are not used to living with allergies they just don't understand how dangerous it can be.
helpful (3) 
 Even if it was really drummed into everyone nut free I still couldn't trust that the food made came from a nut free kitchen. Unless of course if it was made by another nut allergy mum. They could be using the same chopping board that they made peanut butter sandwiches on, or letting kids help who had just eaten a chicken satay kebab. It is silly that they have made something with peanuts after so many reminders but this should be a lesson for the future.
helpful (1) 
OP I usually stick to fruit and veg and whatever I bring. But while I was distracted with my other child she helped herself to some of the other food that I'd usually double check was nut free with the person that brought it
helpful (0) 
 Even if you bring your own plate for you chid with nut allergy, how can you be sure your child won’t ingest some nut product anyway? Yes, you teach your child about their allergy and all that, but a child at playgroup is probably too young to be that careful, and you can’t hover over them 100% of the time.

Those nut free rules Follow you through school so those thoughtless parents better get used to them. And start to take them seriously

helpful (3) 
 I watch my child
helpful (3) 
 This is why I hate the no nut policy at schools, parents become complacent and just assume everything is nutfree. Didn't a young girl die after eating dairy at school? While your child is too young to know not to eat other peoples food you should be making their own food.
helpful (0) 
OP I have 4 kids. I can't possibly be watching every one of them at every given moment. No matter how vigilant I am, I do at times get distracted by one of my other kids. That's where rules like these help.
helpful (1) 
 I have 4 kids as well believe it or not. Thats when you prioritise. Obviously the rule didn't help you this time and theres lots of other times where these rules fail.
helpful (1) 
 You had 4 kids in 4 years? They were all at playgroup?
I mean it does happen but sounds to me like you’re making excuses.

My child has a severe allergy and will react as another poster said if someone has prepared a Sam which on the same surface she will react, I had 3 kids under 2 and I NEVER trusted someone else with my kids life.
Do your 4 kids stop you protecting one child on the road?
Do they stop you protecting them from running away at the shops?
I wouldn’t think so... it’s absokutly no different.

helpful (0) 
OP 4 kids, 2 older at school and 2 with me at play group. As I said, I'd served my daughter a plate of fruit and veg (that was provided by the play group - I saw them cutting it up there so knew it was 100% nut free, plus gave her what I'd brought) and while I was distracted with my other child she helped herself to something else that I had not seen her grab nor had I let her eat, and it turns out what she'd grabbed, being just a child and not thinking of what might be in it, turned out to contain peanuts - thanks to someone who couldn't follow ONE simple rule. As much as I always watch what see eats and we bring our own food everywhere, one thoughtless moment for a child while I'm distracted could have been deadly thanks to people who think they are too good to follow a single simple rule
helpful (0) 
 Ok don’t take any responsibility for yourself.
As I said would you be distracted by your other child if you were by a road? Oopesie you got hit by a car I was just distracted!! That driver should have been watching!!!

Should the person not have brought the plate ? Not caring for others? absolutely not.
Should you have been so irresponsible with supervision around a dangerous situation for your child, absolutely not.

But YOU are responsible for YOUR child and THEIR safety. It helps if others help you, but at the end of the day, it’s on you, sorry, I’d be more vigilant next time.

helpful (2) 
OP Ironically enough, the child of the woman that had brought the peanut containing plate had hit my other child, so I was comforting an upset child, not like i was zoned out sitting there gossiping letting her eat whatevershe wanted. And up until that point i had served my daughter's food and was sitting right next to her watching her eat. Unfortunately while i was doing that, this womans child had hit my other child. If I had eyes on ther back of my head, while I was comforting my crying child I would have seen my daughter run up to the shared table and grab something, but I am only human and comforting my crying child while my daughter ate what I had put on her plate for her didn't seem to me like I was neglecting watching her food. Kids are quick. She used my minute of distraction to run and grab herself something I had not served her.
helpful (1) 
 ^ OMFG. Listen to the sanctimummy. A person with serious nut allergy doesn’t even need to eat a nut product. Just touch a surface that a person who has come into contact with nuts touched before them. What should she do? Walk in front of her and anticipate every single surface she touches? It’s about minimising risk and the centre not making themselves liable for litigation. That is everyone’s responsibility. Especially when parents where specifically asked not to bring in anything with nuts.
helpful (2) 
 Sanctimony for giving advice that puts the responsibility where it ultimately lies? 😒
I have a child with an allergy far more severe than this lady’s. Which is why I understand the responsibility is MINE. YES it makes it easier (my eldest has a smaller allergy and I always appreciated when there were options over and above what I took)

Do you take such a relaxed approach to roads??? Would you have been distracted by a main road??? No? The same principle applies. Your child is in a dangerous situation and you were not taking care of her.

helpful (3) 
 You literally asked for opinions, were you just wanting everyone to say, yes darling, that other mother sounds positively ghastly, you did Nothing wrong at all! It’s 100% the other persons fault and there’s nothing you could have done to prevent this occurring. In future continue to risk your child’s life on the good choices of strangers.
helpful (4) 
 You’re not giving advice at all. You’re judging. A person ignored the rules and brought in a plate with nuts. Where is her responsibility?
helpful (0) 
OP I guess I'm extremely lucky my daughter isn't someone that reacts to the smell or presence of peanuts and that she didn't react to them just being there without her even eating them. I really hope the next time this woman serves peanuts to a bunch of kids at a nut free facility she doesn't kill someone's child just by bringing the food
helpful (2) 
 😂 are you serious?
I literally said she shouldn’t have brought it. I said it was careless. I also said I wouldn’t put my child’s life in a strangers hand. That was the advice.

When will people learn , you cannot control others , BUT you can control yourself, your actions (like keeping close eye on your child when they are in a life threatening situation)

But you guys go ahead keep trying to control others, it’s really worked out for you this time I’m sure it will continue to work out well... just don’t assume any responsibility for your child’s safety. Others will always do the right thing.

helpful (4) 
 Finally, a person who won’t judge me for not slamming the brakes when someone decides to cross the road in front of me. I also don’t give the one metre because cyclists are taking their own risk on the road.
helpful (0) 
 You’d both bee at fault, person who wasn’t supervising their child and person not slamming the brakes, but ultimately you can only control your side right? And both sides have the chance to stop it.... so I’ll assume the responsibility and not cross my fingers everyone will brake....
I assume you let your child run across the road? And it’s others fault if they don’t brake??

helpful (0) 
OP With your "child hit by a car analogy", if your child was hit by a car speeding through a park right near a children's play ground, would you blame the parent or the driver, for driving their car where they shouldn't? Yes parents should supervise their kids in a park but when you have more than one child and a car comes speeding through where they shouldn't be and you don't anticipate it being there, I would probably blame the driver for being a selfish twat.
helpful (0) 
 You started with ‘ok don’t take any responsibility for yourself’. Sarcasm, no? And so yeah, the rest of your post was pretty judgemental. And full of more sarcasm. Hard to see the helpful advice in any of that.

helpful (1) 
 Yes cos all she did was argue with the original polite advice. And give a dozen excuses why this mum was a horrible person/mother.
Like she expected and assumed a stranger to be responsible with her child’s health over and above her own responsibility.

helpful (2) 
 She wasn’t expecting a stranger to take responsibility for her child’s health. But when you bring a shard plate, surely if you have any respect or care for those who will be sharing it you don’t bring the very thing you’re asked not to. It’s extremely thoughtlessl.
helpful (1) 
 That sentence wasn’t finished where you’ve taken it... it continued on saying OVER AND ABOVE her own.
I acknowledged the other persons careless action. It was thoughtless and probably very selfish based.
But it wouldn’t have been an issue if she took her child’s allergy seriously as well.

YOU CAN ONLY CONTROL YOUR OWN ACTIONS.
In this cas OP should take a lesson learnt some people are idiots and or assholes and she needs to watch her kid in a life threatening situation better.

helpful (2) 
 How do you know she doesn’t take her child’s allergy seriously? She was in a difficult situation. One child needing constant supervision around the food table, another hurt and needing immediate attention. This didn’t happen when she was distracted by her phone! If she was, I would agree with you.
helpful (0) 
 What should she have done you mean? The same thing iv done in similar situations, pick up my child from life threatening position, attend to hurt child with said allergic child by my side.

It’s called risk assessment , could her other child have died getting hit by the child? More than likely not.
Could her child with an allergy have died eating food unsupervised from unknown sources? A bit more likely.

Ergo, one child’s need is prioritised first, followed by the other one.

helpful (2) 
 ^easy to say that in retrospect. And of course that would be the best course of action. Which I’m sure OP will do from now on. But when you’re in the situation you just react. Maybe if your reaction was different, it doesn’t mean she isn’t taking it seriously.
helpful (0) 
 And that’s why I say she doesn’t take her own child’s allergy seriously.
I have a child with a sever allergy.
She has an epipen and it is with me everywhere I go.
A fair few people clearly share this sentiment and state the same, I’m just being more blunt and outright because I lose patience fast for snowflakes who don’t take on any responsibility.

helpful (2) 
 ^ god help anyone who isn’t as perfect as you. Sanctimonious, yes. You define it.
helpful (1) 
 It’s got nothing to do with being on a better moral standpoint. So no, sanctimonious doesn’t apply here.

But yes, it’s very obvious from her responses she expects others to take her child’s but allergy serious when she herself can’t uphold the strictness needed.
I likened my own experience of taking my child’s life threatening allergy serious enough to make sure it doesn’t happen.

Like it or not this was preventable by the other mum, and by OP.
Of these two people OP has control of one of them 🤷🏽‍♀️
This situation could be avoided next time if she recognised that (which I don’t think she will because it’s everyone else’s fault)

helpful (2) 
 Your message gets lost in all that self righteousness.
helpful (0) 
 They got lost through polite discourse too 🤷🏽‍♀️ Which was the first point of tact.
helpful (4) 
 Again iv said nothing about morals... but the inference I’m assuming I’m correct? it’s because I am.

Does anyone deny she has no control over the person who (already) did whatever the f**k she wanted ? (either through ignorance or don’t-give-a-shitness)

Who is actually arguing with me that in this situation there are two people who can change the course of events? OP has control of one of them yet she is shifting to the other, who has already shown disregard for reasonable requests. And you’re expecting somehow she will listen to you?
Are you actually saying that OP was powerless in this situation and it just woefully happened upon her?

Nope not me. I’m in control of my life and my surroundings and so are all of you.

By the way the OP has characterised this lady as a mother and therefore ,really, a person in this situation whatever is done is just needless drama.

OP needs to learn a lesson that it’s on her to be more vigilant.

helpful (4) 
 New responder. No offense, but I although I accept you don't want your child to miss out, I think is your or the centres responsibility to ensure this is followed. People without kids with allergies have a million things on their mind and there will always be parents around that don't get it. How can you honestly expect them to.. assuming your children aren't young. My child misses out all the time but because she has an egg/milk Abdul anaphylactic but allergy, but she is used to it. It is her reality and she never complains, since she was 0-8(now). I feel your are over reacting personally though it's frustrating and eye rolling for sure- but spent your time educating the other mum rather than here.
helpful (1) 
 You shouldn’t expect parents without allergies to get it, but why is it unreasonable to expect them to follow the basic rule of don’t bring nuts? My kids have no allergies and I get it. I think there are two people who need to take responsibility here..... OP and the mother who ignored a basic request from the playgroup.
helpful (2) 
 Yes I don’t disagree.. but some people just don’t get it. Just because you get it doesn’t mean everyone gets it or should get it. DIdn’t we all learn this lesson about parenting? I didn’t have kids and I just didn’t get it, I got kids and then I got it much better. It was asked if the OP was overreacting.. yes, is my answer. No seems to be yours, you don’t have to get all cross about it
helpful (0) 
 Poor kid
helpful (0) 

I think you'd be well within reason to slap-a-bitch.
Yes, it's your responsibility to watch what your anaphylactic child eats. HOWEVER, there are people whose allergies can be triggered by being in the same room as nuts. Like how fu****g hard is it to be a decent fu****g person and follow a simple rule. It's pretty common sense these days to not take peanuts or nut products to a childrens facility.
At best, you take the nut product and nobody is allergic.
But at worst, omfg people can die. Die! Not just a little cough or a couple of sneezes. Die, dead, deceased, pass away, expired.
Maybe it's because I have food allergies myself (non life threatening though) but I'm always hyper aware of what I'm bringing for people to eat, and what I come into contact with (for example, we don't even use the same knife that's had peanut butter on it for making school lunches.

I think you have every right to feel annoyed but I think your annoyance is misdirected.

You are 100% responsible for your daughter and what she eats and it would be foolish to assume all plates bought along were completely nut free.

Did the other mother actually know that her dish had nuts or nut products in it? If not it was an accident and if she did, she just needs educating from the playgroup facilitator about why food bought to the group needs to be nut free. And that education shouldn't come from you given how heated and blame orientated you feel.

Glad your miss is OK.

There always is that one parent who thinks their mild inconvoence is more distressing than your child having their life risked.

 Diddums
helpful (0) 

I don't think you are overreacting at all, it is a simple request. I understand for older kids but with little ones it's so hard to check what they are eating in this sort of situation. Would confronting the person make a difference or change their behaviour? It could just get you into a whole lot of trouble. My advice is to speak to the co-ordinators of your playgroup. They have rules for a reason and they should be adhered to, and I would be making a complaint through them first.

OP I was hoping it would make her think twice about disobeying simple rules, especially seeing her child is likely to be in my daughter's class next year. The coordinators were very apologetic and shocked that someone had bought nuts as they had communicated many times that food had to be nut free.
Some people just seem to think they are above the rules tho, and I was hoping by confronting her that I can get her to understand that these rules are there for a reason and that breaking them can literally put a child's life at risk.

helpful (0) 
 Yes but is she a reasonable type that will listen or will it turn into an emotional rant and then an argument. How are you going to react if she doesn’t seem sorry. Are you the type to get angry fast and do something silly.
helpful (0) 
 Is there a Facebook group for the playgroup? You could write a post saying something like
Thank you so much for those who helped me out, its such a terrifying experience having to rush your child to hospital. Children can die from nut allergies, there is a no nuts rule for a reason, so can we please be a bit more respectful of others.
Then tag the offending person.

helpful (5) 
 Or you could just call her and have a person to person discussion?!? I can’t believe broadcasting onto facebook is an option to deal with something you are so upset about? That is childish in all ways. Act like an adult and talk to her. If you truly think she was ‘above the law’ then your teachers should be talking to her.. if you think she just didn’t read the sign because or think properly then I would try to tone it down..the world doesnt’ revolve around you sometimes.. no meaning to be rude
helpful (2) 
 Is there a newsletter? Perhaps the coordinator could write in there what happened
helpful (0) 
 Tagging her in a post like that is very passive aggressive. Just speak to her or ask the coordinator to. Nobody knows the circumstances surrounding it, maybe the mother didn't make it and didn't realise it had peanuts in it. This is a valuable lesson for everyone involved -Playgroup should have checked food and ask that parents provide a list of ingredients, mum should have also checked and supervised child, other mum should have stuck to the rules and if she knew there were peanuts in it she should have said something.
helpful (2) 

The mother who doesn’t didn’t think it necessary to avoid bringing nuts is similar to the mother who thinks it unnecessary to vaccinate their child. Their ignorance makes it possible for them to choose the easiest option without regard for others safety. There will always be ignorant people and they will fight to their last breath to stay that way.

 There always that one person who brings vaccines into it 😒
helpful (1) 
 Hehe exactly. There should be a law for it- just like Godwin’s law!
helpful (0) 

I understand your anger but it equally falls on you, if your child is too young to check their own food in a shared setting and the allergy is serious, you really should be supervising better.

OP I try my best but don't want to make my child a hermit by never allowing them to go anywhere because others can't follow one simple rule. I served her a plate of fruit and veg and what I had brought, then she grabbed herself something else while I was distracted with my other child
helpful (0) 
 My child is certainly not a hermit and she is severely allergic, why does it have to be you verses her? Why can’t it be somewhere in the middle?
helpful (0) 

Bloody hell, I feel sick just reading this. I would mention it, very assertively to her. If there is another function with a shared plate thing, I would just throw what she brings out. I have a little one with a nut allergy, and won't give him food others prepare, but it's difficult to watch. I won't take my little one to the share lunch thing at the end of term because he is too young, but it's tricky when you have another child. I hope you are ok, and your little one.

Yes you would be over reacting. Your distress at your child eating a nut based food is not going to be equal to the negligence of bringing something that She was asked not to. The only thing she is responsible for is not bringing something nut free (like ignoring the “healthy food only” instruction). She isn’t responsible for your child’s allergy and safety (which is what it sounds like you want her to take accountability for). Take it as a lesson and teach your child not to take food that is not cleared as safe. There is a 3 year old in our lives with an allergy who refuses to take food from anyone or anywhere unless his mother prepars it or gives it to him and tells him it is ok to eat. It is possible and it is necessary.

 It’s great the the 3 year old knows not to take anything not cleared by her parents. However, not all 3 year old are created equally. Some get it sooner than others. Nope, this mother isn’t responsible for her child’s safety and health. But she is responsible for her own actions. And she chose to ignore the no nut request. So she is absolutely partially to blame for what happened here.
helpful (0) 
 ‘Absolutely partial to blame’? What is this, arguing for the sake of arguing?
helpful (0) 
 ^ Can you not read? OP of this comment said 3 year old in her family knows not to take food without her parents say so. Responder below said not all 3 year olds would be able to understanding that, no matter what the lessons. The second part, I think she is saying that without a doubt, the mother at playgroup who brought the nuts needs to take some responsibility. How is that arguing for the sake of it? Because you don’t agree?
helpful (0) 

Some of these responses are crazy!!
She shouldn’t have ignored the no nut policy. Absolutely not. It’s not ok to put someone else’s life at risk.
I just want to say, for people that have never had exposure to a severe allergy, you don’t think by making a Nutella sandwich you are risking someone else’s life. Might sound silly but things happen and without being made aware of how severe the potential dangerous situation it could lead to, some are oblivious.
You can argue it’s naive, ignorant or arrogant. But I beg to differ.

Op, you can go and let the mother know how severe this incident was. You can wake her up, give her a harsh serve, or let it go.
It would honestly break me to pieces if someone came and screamed abuse for something I simply didn’t realise. But it would also teach a life lesson. It’s up to you how you go forward.

And what if her kid only eats the peanut based thing. Teach your child to not eat what she is allergic to!

OP It wasn't labeled as containing peanuts, nor was it verbally stated that it contained nuts. I didn't serve it to my child, she ran up and grabbed it while I was distracted, without anticipating someone had thought themselves above the no nut rule without even mentioning it, even just as a courtesy to make others aware they had brought nuts. Its not like there was a huge warning on it and I'd served it to my child then blamed the other woman. There was honestly no way of a young child knowing there were peanuts in it.
helpful (0) 
OP Oh and I didn't see her child eating what she'd brought at all, they're the child that tries to eat everyone elses food but not their own
helpful (0) 
 I don’t understand one thing. Don’t you have an epidemic, is your action plan to always go to the hospital?
helpful (0) 
 Every child eats what other people bring it’s ALWAYS the case. It’s always more appealing.
helpful (0) 

What happened is a disgrace
You always have the factor in the "F**K FACTOR"
The fact that if things can go wrong they will at some stage no matter how hard you try to avoid it.
This was one of those moments and you just have to deal with it because there are people out there who just do not have a brain.

Totally understand why you'd be furious. It is really not hard to have a little consideration for other people in situations like this. Some people are just incredibly inconsiderate. Hope you're little one is ok

Wow can't believe ppl defending the lady who brought the nuts. I have older kids and all schools and daycare have nut free policies it's standard practise these days someone at my son's daycare joined who was allergic to eggs so they also became an egg free centre. Pretty easy to work around and I'm happy to do it to protect the kids that need it. That lady was either really rude or really ignorant. I would speak to the play group coordinator who can send a generic msg to all parents to educate everyone. And next time the week before the party I would remind all the mum's of yr dtg allergy and how important it is to follow policy

 I haven’t seen one person defend her?
helpful (4) 

Not overreacting. Pretty common knowledge that most daycares and primary schools in Australia have a not but policy.
I wouldn’t be confronting her, the director should do that.

 No nut policy sorry
helpful (0) 
 Omg a no but policy made me laugh.
helpful (0)